Richard Evans is the #1 New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of more than 25 novels. The prolific writer spend most of his professional career touring the country speaking about his work, but as he traveled his relationship with his wife Kerri deteriorated!
Richard recently put pen to paper to share with us the secret that saved his marriage, and it’s something we all need to pay attention to. Check it out below: My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, “My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was 12, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did.” Then she added with a smile. “I’m glad you guys figured things out.”
For years, my wife, Keri, and I struggled. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn’t quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering “fame and fortune” didn’t make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems.
The tension between us became so intense that embarking on a book tour became a welcome reprieve, albeit it appears we always suffered for it upon re-entry. Our squabbles had become so frequent that it was difficult to picture a peaceful partnership. We grew defensive all the time, erecting emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the verge of divorce and had discussed it several times.
Things came to a head while I was on a book tour. We’d just had another heated phone argument, and Keri had hung up on me. I was isolated and lonely, annoyed and enraged. I’d reached my breaking point. That’s when I decided to pray to God. Or turned against God. I’m not sure if it was prayer—maybe shouting at God isn’t prayer, maybe it is—but whatever I was doing, I’ll never forget it.
I was standing in the bathtub at the Ritz-Carlton in Buckhead, Atlanta, yelling at God that marriage was wrong and that I couldn’t do it any more. As much as I despised the prospect of divorce, the agony of being together was simply too much for me. I, too, was perplexed. I couldn’t understand out why Keri’s marriage was so difficult. Keri was a lovely person, I knew that deep down. And I was a decent person. So what was the problem? Why had I married someone who was so dissimilar to me? Why would she not change?
Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat in the shower and sobbed. In the midst of my sadness, a great inspiration struck me. Rick, you can’t change her. Only you have the ability to transform yourself. I began to pray at that point. If I can’t change her, please, God, change me. I prayed until late at night. On my way home the next day, I prayed.
I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do. The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, “How can I make your day better?”
Keri looked at me angrily. “What?”How can I make your day better?”
“You can’t,” she said. “Why are you asking that?” “Because I mean it,” I said. “I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.” She looked at me cynically.“You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.” She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. “Okay.” I got up and cleaned the kitchen.
The next day I asked the same thing. “What can I do to make your day better?”Her eyes narrowed. “Clean the garage.”
I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her. Instead I said, “Okay.” I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn’t sure what to think. The next morning came.“What can I do to make your day better?” “Nothing!” she said. “You can’t do anything. Please stop saying that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t.” I made a commitment to myself. “What can I do to make your day better?” “Why are you doing this?” ն“Because I care about you,” I said. “and our marriage.” The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri’s eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying.
When she could speak she said, “Please stop asking me that. You’re not the problem. I am. I’m hard to live with. I don’t know why you stay with me.” I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. “It’s because I love you,” I said. “What can I do to make your day better?” “I should be asking you that.” “You should,” I said. “But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me.”
She put her head against my chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.” “I love you,” I said. “I love you,” she replied. “What can I do to make your day better?” She looked at me sweetly. “Can we maybe just spend some time together?” I smiled. “I’d like that. I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, “What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?”
The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn’t solve all our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming rarer and rarer, but they also lacked the energy they’d once had. We’d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn’t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.
Keri and I have now been married for more than 30 years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don’t really matter. We’ve learned how to take care of each other, and, more importantly, we’ve gained the desire to do so.
Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I’ve also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.
Through time I’ve learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, “What can I do to make your life better?” That is love. Romance novels (and I’ve written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn’t come from desire—at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances.
Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness—sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one’s self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another’s well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.
I’m not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I’m not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago.
I’m grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I’m grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, “What can I do to make your day better.” Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.