“I had to give him back a week ago today. You’ve probably heard that fostering kids is a good thing to do. You’ve probably already heard that it’s hard. You may have heard that saying goodbye can be sad. You may have heard that it makes us happy to know we were there when it mattered. But have you ever heard of “foster parent guilt”? I hadn’t. Since I’ve been fostering, I haven’t heard anyone talk about it at all. I’ve never talked about it before. See, I had this sweet little love until last Thursday.

We got him when he was three weeks old. He had to stay in the hospital for a long time to help his little body get rid of toxins. After that, two attempts to place him with relatives failed. twice, they gave him back to CPS. On the day he came home, his face, fingers, and toes were all just right. He is almost 6 months old now. He is finally getting enough sleep. He rolled over for the first time two weeks ago, and he’s almost sitting up by himself! He eats all the solid food he can get his cute, round hands on.

He smiles so much that it goes from one ear to the other. He has no choice. He makes me happy. He looks to me to make him feel safe and at ease. I was always there for him. I was a safe place for him. Up until last Thursday, I was everything to him. He has only ever lived in my house. He was most happy when he was in my arms. It was my voice that calmed him down. We were all related to him. He had complete, total, utter, and undeniable faith in me.

And what really hurts me is that I had to break his trust. He wasn’t mine to keep. I already knew that, but he didn’t. The past week has been hard to remember. The long-awaited court date has now passed. I found out that the home approval had been given to another family member at the last minute. The judge agreed that my son could go live with more relatives. After the court hearing, I had two hours to pack what I could, say goodbye, and drop off my baby in a strange parking lot with more caseworkers in a town I didn’t know.

I watched as they drove off and he looked for ME. The guilt is hard to bear. I had to return him. Even though it hurt me, what I can’t stand is how much it hurts him. How his little, innocent heart, which thought I would protect him from everything, is now so deeply and irreparably hurt by me. Please don’t be quick to tell me I shouldn’t feel bad. Don’t say that I’m not to blame. Don’t tell me how good it will be for him that I did something good. Because I know these things in my head. I’ve met them.

But they can’t change the facts, no matter how true they are. Foster care will never, ever be the best option. And moving these already-broken children to a new home will always, always make them feel even worse. It’s unavoidable. Yes, it’s not my fault, but I’m still in the middle of it. And it was still me who had to look into those big, beautiful, sparkling brown eyes that were so full of love and trust…

and then give him to people they don’t know and leave. He must have cried for me, I’m sure. He has been looking for me. He thinks I’ve left him alone. So, yes, I’m to blame. And I am heartbroken. And so very sad and sorry about how unfair the world is. There is hope, though. And faith. Also, love. And in the most honest and wise book ever written, it says that love is the most important thing.