It’s a narrative all too often in today’s world: a couple meets, falls in love, dates for a while begins to merge their lives — and then finds one of them doesn’t want to marry. Perhaps one person is hesitant to commit, they disagree on what a ceremony should look like, or someone intuitively knows that they will never tie the knot. What is the next step? It’s not uncommon to find yourself at a fork in the path.
According to a Pew Research Center survey released in May 2020, millennials are less likely to marry than older generations. In 2019, only 44% were married, compared to 53% of Gen Xers and 61% of Boomers of a similar age. This percentage fell to 24% among Black millennials. This trend was worsened by the COVID-19 pandemic: Marriage rates have fallen across generations.
According to a December research published in Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World, the pandemic caused financial, professional, and housing insecurity, all of which might influence someone’s feelings about saying “I do.” In summary, there are likely many causes at play, as well as various outcomes. “It’s really important to explore a deeper understanding of what marriage means to both of you,” says Janet Zinn, a couples therapist in New York.
“At best, it will result in a more intimate relationship….” And it’s vital to recognize if you don’t have the same ideals so you can go on.” Zinn and ten other relationship gurus provide roundtable suggestions on how to handle the problem. Begin with an Open discussion. “Communication can clear up a lot of confusion,” says hypnotherapist, author, and educator Rachel Astarte.
Life coach Kali Rogers adds, “Discuss what marriage means to each of you. Some people believe that marriage indicates financial success. Others see it as a preparation towards beginning a family,” Rogers explains. “People place different values and expectations on it, and it’s critical to understand where [you both] are coming from.” This discussion may open some opportunities in the future.” At the very least, it will clarify some essential points for you — and, most likely, for your spouse.
Believe in Your Partner’s Needs. “Embrace the radical notion that your partner is correct, that they know what is best for them, and that marriage, now or ever, may not be right for them,” says psychologist Michele Paiva. If your spouse already knows they don’t want to say “I do,” the last thing you want is for them to merely go along for the ride. If they respect you enough to be honest with you, the very least you can do is listen without judgment.
Furthermore, it is critical to understand where your spouse is coming from, especially if it is fear. “Fear of commitment is actually fear of loss,” explains psychologist Tina B. Tessina, co-author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together. “Making a commitment entails accepting the risk that it will not work out.” Some people, who have been injured or rejected in the past, ‘guard’ themselves by not committing. It doesn’t truly protect them against anything other than being happy in a relationship.
Others refuse to commit because the relationship isn’t ‘perfect’ enough – yet another reason to escape the responsibilities of commitment.” “The only way to get a commitment-phobic partner to commit is to leave,” Tessina says emphatically. There’s no reason to commit as long as they get to be with you.” Consider this: Why Is Marriage Important? This was emphasized by nearly every expert. “Sometimes we go into marriage because that’s the social construct, and we never ask ourselves if it’s right for us,” Zinn says. Begin by questioning your position.
“Sometimes you hold a childhood goal and forget to analyze it over time.” “It might not work for you anymore,” says April Masini, a relationship expert in New York. “Life is fluid, and it’s great to have a guiding plan, but it shouldn’t be set in stone.” Life happens, whether it’s a change of heart, a death, a job loss, or an accident – there are so many things that might derail our plans.”
“Aside from the ceremony and the piece of paper, are you happy as a couple, do you want to be together, and do you see no reason to break up anytime soon?” Nicole Martinez, a psychotherapist and life coach, inquires. “Is this what society or your family has instilled in you, and something that, if you’re being honest, doesn’t really matter to you?”
Paiva continues, “You might have to decide whether you want marriage or this person.” If you absolutely must marry and this individual is adamantly opposed to it, you plainly have your answer. But, if you’re considering ending a relationship due of this dispute, make sure you truly want to marry. “That’s fine; it respects authenticity,” she says. “A good marriage is founded on mutual commitment rather than obligation or guilt.”