I’m very sure every woman in her twenties has dated someone who was clearly unprepared for love. Despite all of the obvious indicators indicating they don’t like you, you keep telling yourself that things will change. That things can improve. That they may not love you right now, but they can and will in the future. Right?

To be honest, I blame Gilmore Girls for the majority of this problem. Throughout Lorelai and Rory’s romances, we witnessed different individuals (whether teenage boys, mature men, or the Gilmore girls themselves) who were clearly not ready for love morph into wonderful partners, almost miraculously. And if the nice folks of Stars Hollow can find love with bad boys, FWBs, and non-committal coffee shop owners, why can’t we?

Unfortunately, most real-life love stories go a little differently. The bad lads never clean up their acts, and the friends with benefits don’t build genuine feelings. So, what red signs should you check for that indicate a person isn’t genuinely in love with you (and never will be)? To find out, I turned to Monica Parikh, a dating and relationship coach from School of Love NYC. Here are six key symptoms that you’re dating someone who will never love you back, so you may go on to find a companion who will.

1. They say they are not ready for a relationship. “The biggest red flag is always in what people say about themselves,” Parikh tells Elite Daily. “As women, we tend to dismiss what others tell us about ourselves because we believe we can change them. But many people will say, ‘I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m looking for a situation-ship or a friend with benefits.'”

So true! I’m not sure why, but so many of us (including myself) are obsessed with the idea of transforming or “rescuing” others – I refer to it as the A Walk to Remember syndrome. However, if someone tells you unequivocally that they are not ready for love or looking for a relationship, they are most likely not. “When people tell you about themselves, you have to listen,” says Parikh.

2. They don’t love themselves. I genuinely believe that before you can enter into a committed relationship with another person, you must first develop a connection with yourself, and learning to love yourself is an important part of that process. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how will you love another human being? And, on the other hand, how can you offer and receive love from someone who clearly does not love himself or herself? The answer is simple: you cannot.

“You have to assess how much a person loves themselves,” Parikh asserts. “Because until a person loves themselves, they can’t love you.” 3. They do not take care of themselves. My acquaintance once refused to date a guy who had never had a pet, a plant, or a younger brother. She stated that he couldn’t be a dependable lover if he’d never had to care for another live thing in some manner, shape, or form – which, while slightly absurd, makes some sense.

Beyond how your potential SO treats a cactus, consider how well they treat themselves. In addition to practicing self-love, a person must practice self-care before becoming a loving partner and caring for others. If they can’t take care of themselves, they’re probably not ready to take on the responsibilities of a relationship. “It’s all connected,” Parikh explains. “What [your lover] can be for you is only a reflection of what they can be for themselves… And if someone is always shlepping it on their sofa, his or her endurance in the sack will suffer as well.”

4. Your Sex Life is Subpar . “Don’t forget about sex — sex is so, so important,” Parikh advises. Physical intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship, and if you’re not having fulfilling sex with someone (or not having enough sex in general), it’s time to talk about it, as it could indicate that something else is wrong. “No woman should have to settle for nonexistent or non-orgasmic sex,” Parikh says.

5. They Lack Long-Term Relationships in Other Areas of Their Life. Another clear red flag? You’ve seen that this person doesn’t appear to have any established relationships in other parts of his or her life — with family, college roommates, coworkers, or whomever. “If a person doesn’t have any longstanding relationships, it could mean they don’t have the skills for intimacy,” Parikh explains.

6. They do not make an effort to understand what you need. All that being said, it’s crucial to realize that people can evolve. Even if a person has previously lacked the qualities of a dependable and loving companion, this does not exclude them from maturing and developing those traits in the future.

Parikh identifies three main clues that a person can and will turn things around. “One: They’re willing to engage in a conversation [about what needs to change],” she continues. “Two: [They show] a desire to hear your feelings and understand your needs as a woman… And three:

[They] want to pull up their sleeves and do the work.” If they don’t try to understand your wishes and needs, or if they are unwilling to address your past relationship troubles (via therapy, religious counseling, etc.), it’s time to walk on. As your friends would undoubtedly tell you, you deserve better. The School of Love NYC has more ideas on what to look for in a mate (including a 25-point checklist!).