According to a conversation expert, seven phrases will help diffuse arguments with your partner. Couples argue. You and your spouse will dispute, regardless matter how long you’ve been together. It is normal, healthy, and a necessary element of being in a partnership. In reality, several studies have revealed that couples who argue effectively have a happier and more productive relationship, as well as a higher chance of marital success, than couples who avoid arguing altogether.

However, while battling with your partner is a natural part of the relationship equation, some issues do not justify an argument, therefore it is best to stop it in its tracks. “There are no magic phrases or words that will improve your conversations and prevent arguments,” Celeste Headlee, Plenty of Fish Conversation Expert, tells Bustle. “Having planned things to say frequently causes a lot of problems, primarily because you’re not actually listening;

you’re just trying to find a way to express your prepared material. Furthermore, it is quite difficult to deliver a prepared phrase in a way that seems natural and unrehearsed, owing to the fact that it has been rehearsed.” So, while having a go-to phrase for specific disputes may not always work, there are some things you can say and terminology you can use to help alleviate an upcoming argument.

1 “I’m Starting To Feel Defensive.” Headlee believes it is critical to be aware of your mental state so that if you get defensive, you can acknowledge it and express it aloud. “If you become defensive, it’s time to admit that and delay the rest of the conversation,” Headlee states. “You can say something like, ‘I’m starting to feel defensive, so I won’t be a cooperative partner in this anymore.

Give me some time to settle down, and we’ll get right back to this.’ When someone begins to feel defensive, their mind perceives that they are being assaulted. It raises the drawbridge and deploys the cannons for protection. So being defensive is not a helpful attitude of mind.” Headlee also suggests that if your partner begins to respond defensively, you should not call it out and instead take the blame for a few minutes until both of you have cooled down.

2 “I Don’t Understand.” Asking someone to explain a problem demonstrates not just that you care and are invested, but also that you are listening and want them to go into greater detail to avoid misunderstandings. To quote The Little Prince, “Words are the source of misunderstandings,” which is completely accurate. “Here’s one phrase you might want to use more often:

‘Explain what you mean’ or ‘I don’t understand’,” Headlee advises. “If you truly listen to the other person, rather than simply waiting for them to stop talking so that you can respond, you will hear things you do not comprehend. Ask them to explain. This will show that you are not only listening, but really trying to understand their issues.”

3 “I’m Sorry I Made You Feel…” If you wish to avoid problems, you must first accept responsibility for your mistakes. If you have harmed your partner and this has resulted in an argument, you must express your feelings, but you must do so constructively. “Tell them what you’re hearing,” suggests Headlee. “In other words, ask them to describe why they’re upset, and then add, ‘It sounds like you feel undervalued.

I’m very sorry I made you feel that way. It is critical to avoid stating, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ which places blame on the other person. The message there is that people feel a certain way, and it’s unfortunate. If you say, ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way,’ you are accepting responsibility. But don’t say it because I told you so. Say that because you see your spouse in anguish, you recognize that you played a role in making them feel that way, and you apologize.

4 “I’m Feeling…” Unless your companion is psychic, you must express your emotions through words. When you do this, you may be able to avoid an argument since you have been honest about what is most likely causing the problem. “Tell them what you’re really feeling,” advises Headlee. “We have a lot of thoughts all the time, and not all of them need to be spoken.

Those thoughts are for your own advantage, not the other person. So, take a deep breath, assess how you’re feeling and what’s upsetting you, and then calm down and express what’s truly at stake. Why does it worry you that they never pick up the phone? Don’t just express whatever’s on your mind; be deliberate in what you say and how you convey your sentiments.”

5 “I Don’t Want To Get Distracted By Other Stuff.” As much as an argument may appear to be the best opportunity to bring up all of your other issues, you’ll only end up going down a rabbit hole, so don’t take that route, or as Headlee puts it, “don’t take the bait.” “We all say things to provoke people when we’re upset,” she continues. “Your partner may make statements that are intended to provoke disagreement.

Do not respond to them. Remember that you do the same way when you’re angry, but instead say, ‘I don’t want to be distracted by other things. I only want to solve this situation. If you want a long-term, loving relationship, winning an argument will not help you. It’ll do the reverse. 6 “We Were Both Wrong.” No matter how obstinate or stubborn you are, Headlee advises you to stop attempting to win the debate or prove that your spouse is wrong and you are correct.

No matter who is to blame, when tempers are burning or about to flare, attempting to win will only make things worse. “Even if the other person is incorrect, you will not improve your [relationship] by proving it while making them feel small or stupid,” adds Headlee. “Tell them you’re more interested with resolving the underlying issue than with determining who is correct.

According to a 2010 study conducted by Baylor University, disputes between couples are rarely about the dishes or the trash; rather, they involve power. Often, the other person wants you to give up part of your power. So, proving someone wrong in an aggressive manner is about taking power, not giving it up.” “Let’s Talk About A Resolution.”

Finally, whether or not an argument begins, it seeks a resolution. Without reaching an agreement, the matter remains unresolved and continues to strain the partnership. As a result, you should ask your partner what they hope to gain from the scenario, where they see it going, and how they want it to conclude. “Here’s one last thing you can say in your own words that will help end arguments,” Headless offers. “I am sorry we are disagreeing about this.

“What do you want to see happen?” Inquire about what they want, what they need, and how you might help. This could be one of the most effective argument endings there is.” Because disagreeing with your partner is inescapable — and you want it that way — it’s critical to approach the situation correctly. What this primarily means is that you should choose your words wisely so that they bring more good than harm.