If you desire children but your partner does not, it can feel like an unsolvable dilemma with no happy conclusion. However, just because the situation is serious does not mean you have no options. You can have a more fruitful talk about this deadlock by delving into your and your partner’s motivations, attempting to comprehend each other’s points of view, and remaining open-minded. Here, various professionals discuss their tools and techniques for navigating a disagreement over whether or not to have children.

1. Forgive yourself for not dealing with it “sooner” Yes, it is probably a good idea to discuss whether or not you want children before entering into a committed relationship. However, Jenna Riemersma, a licensed professional counselor, believes that this is a particularly challenging topic to discuss for a variety of reasons. For example, if there is a real or perceived power dynamic in the relationship, whether emotional, financial, or professional, the partner with less power may be hesitant to address the issue. Timing can also be challenging. “Bringing it up too early may scare people away. And if you bring it up too late, it may feel like a “Gotcha!”‘,” she elaborates.

“At the end of the day, difficult conversations and dispute resolution are an essential and natural component of any long-term partnership. There is nothing unusual about having opposing viewpoints on the problem of children. I think it’s extremely typical, and the couple has done something wrong or made a mistake [by waiting],” she says. Blaming oneself for taking too long will not help the situation. Instead, proceeding with empathy and absolving yourself of any fault may allow you to move forward with a clearer mind.

2. Seek professional help. So you’ve discovered there is a problem, and you may not be able to solve it on your own. Therapy could be an excellent next step, but how do you approach the topic? If your spouse is hesitant, Riemersma advises you to recommend it without mentioning the word “therapy,” as people frequently associate it with an unjust connotation. “You might start by saying something like, “Hey, I think we need some support” around conflict resolution,” she recommends.

Try to bring it up in a quiet moment, rather than during an argument. “Because when we are in a conflicted discussion, the rational part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, shuts down and the limbic part of our brain takes over.” “And that is not usually a time when we are open to new possibilities,” Riemersma argues. Once you’re in counseling, your experience will vary greatly depending on the sort of therapy you pick. Cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, aims to change thought and behavior patterns. Psychotherapy is more concerned with how prior events and traumas influence your outlook.

“Every clinician will provide something unique to the couple, just like going to see a medical practitioner. If you see a cardiologist, they will bring a specific set of expertise. “When you see a dentist, that person will bring a unique set of skills,” Reimersma explains. Asking your therapy provider about their process is an easy method to determine whether they are a good fit for you.

3. Explore All Paths to Parenthood .”Compromise” may not be the right word here, because, as Riemersma explains, our modern understanding of the term sometimes boils down to “we each have to do something we don’t want and we both lose a little.” But if we can be open and curious about our partner’s point of view, “we get a lot more information to work with and it makes possibilities for mutually desirable compromise.”

Fostering or adopting an older child could be a path to motherhood that both parties agree on. Volunteering in an after-school youth program may even fulfill a nurturing need in unexpected ways.

Then, there may be concessions to be made regarding biological children. “If one person’s concern is the amount of demand on their time, then a compromise could be, ‘We’ll have one child, not two or three, and we will hire a nanny, and have regular date nights and quarterly getaways,'” she says. These different situations may not be appropriate for every couple, but you won’t know unless you discuss them.

4. Try to figure out whether ‘not now’ really means ‘never’. When it comes to having children, timing is really important. Someone may be adamantly opposed to having children right now, but see motherhood as a possibility in the future. “Do not assume that ‘not now’ or ‘as of now, no’ means ‘never,'” psychologist Michele Paiva tells Bustle.

If this is potentially what’s at play in your situation, Riemserma recommends putting together a broad timeline with your partner. Both partners have to come to an agreement: one has to decide when they’ll feel ready to re-visit the kids conversations, and the other has to decide how long they’re willing to live in limbo. That may be six months, a year, or whatever works for both parties. “That way,” Riemserma explains, “It also avoids the situation of the topic continuing to be brought up and aggravating the person who’s saying ‘not now.’” By taking it off the table momentarily, you can defuse a stressful situation, and the party who does want kids — be it boyfriend, partner, girlfriend, or husband — knows there’s a set time where they’ll get to check in again.

However, if the time to talk again comes and goes and one party wants to keep kicking the can down the road indefinitely, it might be a sign that they’re “not now” is drifting more toward “never.” If someone seems that ambivalent about having kids, she says, it’s time to talk boundaries. “You can’t force someone to have that conversation or make that definitive statement, but you also don’t have to stay in relationship with that person if they’re not willing to follow

Paiva thinks that it’s crucial to respect your boundaries: “If your partner does not want children, while you should respect that, I would also say that if your evolutionary clock is ticking, you would be sacrificing yourself if you denied your own desire to procreate,” she adds.

5. Consider your own motivations. “There are so many assumptions about having children,” Janet Zinn, a New York City-based couples therapist, tells Bustle. “More often than not, couples assume they will have children after marriage or, if not married, they believe it’s a way of solidifying the relationship.” If you’ve always wanted kids or never wanted kids, but haven’t ever sat down to figure out why, now is the time. “We don’t always know what we really want because we just do whatever comes next on life’s checklist,” she explains. So, ask yourself why you desire children. Why don’t I want children?

Riemserma also warns against labeling your motivations as “good” or “bad.” For example, someone may believe they desire children because they want someone to care for them in their old age. That may give you pause to hear. However, if you delve deeper, you may discover that they just watched an elderly neighbor die in hospice with no one to see them, which they found profoundly troubling. According to Riemserma, pushing aside or disregarding such sensation can lead to embarrassment but does not address the real feelings around the issue.

This is not about determining which motivations are “good enough” to have children, but about genuinely understanding ourselves so that we may make an informed decision. Without this self-interrogation, “the person does not have the opportunity to confront their own intentions. As a result, individuals are less able to approach that decision with clear eyes, completely understanding why they are choosing it,” she explains.

6. Understand your partner’s motivations. Similarly, if you’ve simply heard your partner’s attitude and not the reasoning behind it, you’re unlikely to be well-prepared to handle the topic. “Surprisingly enough, the difference between fighting and working it out usually is to understand the details of what your partner feels about the issue,” Tina B. Tessina, PhD, LMFT tells Bustle. This could be due to a variety of difficulties, including a money difficulty, a timing problem, a disruption problem, a scarcity problem, or a family problem.

For example, if it’s a scarcity issue, your partner may think to themself, “I’m afraid that when we have children, you’ll devote all of your time and attention to them and leave nothing for me,” Tessina adds. Or if it’s a family problem, they may be thinking “As long as we have to live so far from my family, I don’t think I have enough support to be a parent,” or “My own childhood was so difficult, I’m doubtful that I can give my children the support they need. I’m afraid I’ll be inadequate as a parent.”

“Each of these problems has solutions—as long as you clearly understand what’s in the way,” Tessina says. “The key to working out agreements about having children is to understand each other. Instead of reacting to each other, seek to understand your partner’s point of view, and to express your own feelings and thoughts.” Of course, their concerns may not be as easily addressed as these, but any conversation goes smoother when the other party feels heard.

7. Put Yourself in The Other’s Place— Literally. If you need a little help jumpingstarting your ability to understand the issue from your partner’s perspective, Riemserma has an exercise that may do the trick: sit in chairs across from each other and explain your point of view, including reasons why you do or do not want to have children. Then, get up and physically switch seats, and have the same conversation, but from the perspective of the person whose chair you just took.

There are a few advantages to doing this exercise. First, she says, “When you physically move your body, it helps to reorient how you see things and the perspective that you were taking.” Think of it as hitting the refresh button in the conversation. Second, explaining, or even arguing for, someone else’s stance instead of your own, can help create empathy for your partner and increase understanding.

For example, with the fresh eyes this type of problem solving creates, you might start thinking about what your life would look like in the alternate scenario. Maybe you’d never thought about how, without kids, you could jet off on vacation whenever you want, or how moving closer to your brother might allow you to play a bigger role in the lives of your nieces and nephews. These types of revelations could potentially tip the scales for one of you.

Martinez agrees that you may eventually realize the situation isn’t what you first thought. “If the couple realizes it’s societal pressure [causing the desire for children], and that they can have a great life together of travel, activities, love, and fun without children, a different kind of relationship might actually suit them just fine,” she explains.

“This is very hard, and one I see in a lot of couples work, and obviously a lot of couples that break up,” psychologist Nicole Martinez tells Bustle. “If one person wants children, and is capable of having children — if they have only pictured their life as happy and fulfilled with a child, then this may not be the relationship for them.”