1 They still have photos of their ex. This is quite clear, but if your partner still keeps images of their ex around, they are not over them. “It might be in their wallet, on their desk, or somewhere more hidden than that, but it’s something they’ll refuse to get rid of because they’re’still friends,'” Baltimore Therapy Center director Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, tells Bustle.
A present spouse is unlikely to like having an old photo of a prior love around. Most of the time, it indicates that someone is still holding something there. “If you’re in this situation, express your feelings about the photo’s presence in a calm but firm way,” according to Bilek. You want to be direct with your partner in order to communicate that this is not acceptable to you. However, it is as crucial to monitor your tone. Avoid seeming accusing so that it does not escalate into a fight.
2They Suggest Doing The Same Things With You As They Did With Their Ex. If your spouse is still hung up on their ex, they may suggest performing the same activities they did with their previous lover. For example, your spouse may want to continue going to a restaurant that brings back memories of their previous relationship, or go bowling every other Thursday night because that is what they used to do with their ex.
“People that are still connected to their exes will still have emotional connection to the things and places they associate with them,” according to Ponaman. “If they start a new relationship, even if they’re still connected to an ex, it’s natural that they would want to re-visit these places and try to replace the old memories with new ones.” If you find this to be the case, it may be worth discussing with your partner.
3. They bring up their ex unexpectedly in conversations. This could be another rather clear example. If your partner is continuously bringing up their ex in your chats, they may still be fixated on them. “This, of course, is unfair and uncool,” Jeannie Assimos, eharmony’s chief of advise, tells Bustle. “I would definitely be concerned if I had to hear about an ex constantly, and felt they still had unresolved feelings for another person.”
If they get furious or emotional when discussing the ex, it’s a clue that they haven’t truly moved on from their past. If you’re in this circumstance, Assimos advises you to protect your heart. “Be careful if someone has an ex that is still pretty intertwined in their life,” she points out. “Do not be hesitant to ask questions and learn where the relationship stands. As this person’s new partner, you should come first. Period.”
4They become defensive when you express your concerns. If you bring up concerns about your partner’s ex and they strike out at you, this is a huge red flag. According to Ashera DeRosa, a licensed marriage and family therapist, “Defensiveness is often an attempt to move away from shame, which raises the question: why is there shame?
We all have ex-partners, and it’s not uncommon to talk about them, especially when starting a new relationship. But if they become hot or defensive, it is worth observing.” When you express your worries to your partner, do they quickly defend themselves or their behavior? If so, consider why. It’s likely they have something to hide, or they feel bad since they’ve crossed boundaries.
5They suggest how you should act based on what their ex did. If your spouse isn’t fully over their former, they may offer you advice on how to behave in ways that are quite similar to their ex. For example, if their ex was more sensitive and you used comedy to lighten the mood, your spouse may advise you to be more sensitive. “When you make suggestions to change your new partner’s behavior, you’re trying to emotionally replace your ex by essentially replicating them into this new person,” Assimos elaborates.
If your partner is attempting to make you become someone you are not, it is definitely something to discuss. If this is the case, they are falling in love with the person they want you to be rather than the person you are. 6They will make an effort to reach out on their ex’s birthday. If your partner continues to go out of their way for their ex on their birthday or holidays, this could be a concern.
Stef Safran, a matchmaker and relationship coach, tells Bustle that “that might mean that they are too connected currently.” Although she believes a “Happy Birthday” SMS is acceptable (if they notify you and you agree), anything else can be “a bit gray.” The same is true for staying in contact in general. For example, a 2016 study published in the journal Personal Relationships discovered a correlation between maintaining touch with an ex and commitment to their present partner.
Basically, persons who make an attempt to stay in touch with an ex are less devoted and content with their present relationship. They were also more inclined to see their current relationship as a backup option. 7They Stay in Touch With Their Ex’s Family If your spouse was with their ex for a long time, they may have formed tight bonds with their ex’s family. It may not be a big matter if your spouse contacts them on occasion, but it can be problematic if they do so just to remain up to date on their ex’s activities.
If this is the case, speak with your partner about your feelings. “Ultimately, it is up to you whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who may not be completely emotionally available for you just yet,” says dating and relationship coach Carla Romo.