It is well known that we desire what we cannot obtain. It is in our convoluted human nature to idolize those who appear unattainable. Because, in our emotionally complex and ego-driven minds, that individual is “too good.” And “too good” is just right for us. It’s the plot of every romance film: one character is drawn to another who appears to be out of their league. That’s a familiar dynamic. It evokes feelings of adoration, intrigue, and acclaim. We’ve grown accustomed to believing that love and attraction are defined by our admiration for another person.

This is the same habit that causes us to lose interest in people who are overly interested in us. We aren’t used to this dynamic. We have come to identify courtship with a chase. We secretly adore the highs and lows that come with hard-fought-for love. It makes us feel like our efforts are worthwhile. Before we invest in something, we must first determine its value. And when someone is in high demand or difficult to reach, we cherish them. When we see the emotional dollar signs, we feel more comfortable opening up to the person, and our efforts are validated.

For a variety of biological reasons, we are drawn to those whom we perceive to be “better” than us. The evolutionary purpose of coupling and reproduction is to produce superior offspring. So, on a primal level, we’ll be drawn to people who appear to be healthy, powerful, and confident, but still possessing the emotional sensitivity to be protective, loyal, and caring. So, whether we want to reproduce or not, nature has conditioned us to prefer someone whose genes will best blend with our own to “better” our breed. But, what does that look like? And why are we so turned off when our spouses want the same in us?

The truth is that deep down, we all feel undeserving of love. A portion of us is insecure about our worth. So when someone approaches us with interest, we assume they have a lower value. We’ve accidentally educated ourselves to believe that anyone who likes us is severely defective, so we never consider the possibility that they have comparable value. It’s so normal for one partner to lose interest while the other partner shows equal interest. We regard this as a red flag.

However, criticizing someone for liking you is merely a reflection of oneself. The subtext of this dynamic is: “What the hell is wrong with you that you’re so interested in me?” We don’t feel right in this mental state. We’re far more complacent when we’re in a chase or heartbroken because someone we care about has turned us down. That has become the safe area. We have movies to watch to help us feel less alone, as well as playlists that will last a lifetime. Rejection feels better than unwanted affection.

So, certainly, we have natural inclinations to seek for a mate who is undeniably worthwhile. But an even greater part of it is unconscious insecurity that stands between us and potential enjoyment. If someone likes us too much, we suspect something is wrong with them. If someone likes us sufficiently, we believe we can perform better. If someone doesn’t like us, our eyes change into cartoon hearts. So, my question is this: Can knowing why we do things help us avoid doing them? Can we give someone who expressed interest in us a chance? Can we disregard our egos that say, “I can do better” or “There’s something wrong with you if you like me”?