Once you’ve determined that the relationship is based on explicit permission, Johnson suggests asking yourself a few more questions before getting too involved: What aspects of the partnership are satisfying? What, if anything, makes you feel bad? When answering these questions, she suggests taking dominant discourses and patriarchal influences into account.
There are numerous clichés about older men and younger women, ranging from the “gold-digger” myth to the problematic belief that anyone who dates an older man has “daddy issues.” But, for the most part, the older-man-younger-woman combination is culturally acceptable. When the roles are flipped (when an older woman is in a relationship with someone of any gender), she risks being labeled as a “cougar” – a predatory figure who is frequently portrayed negatively.
“It’s important to recognize those layers that are at play,” Johnson tells me. “Consider what [this connection] reveals about you. If you are with a partner who is several years older or younger than you, what do you believe this says about you, and is it resonating in any way, shape, or form? Or do you completely disagree with it? Is society telling you that you’re a ‘cougar’, and you say, ‘I’m not! I have a very wonderful connection with this individual, and I envision this going long-term, and we both agree. You know what you’ve got, and I believe checking in with yourself will offer you with useful knowledge.”
Regarding the potential of feeling criticized by family members or having to explain your relationship to your friends, keep in mind that other people’s opinions should not interfere with your pleasure. In 2017, O’Reilly told the Canadian television show The Morning Show: “It’s none of their business.” You don’t ask them how they handle their differences.” If your loved ones have concerns with your older partner, it is their responsibility to deal with their own baggage, not yours.
Aligning Your Lifestyles and Goals. Partners at different phases of life may have misplaced priorities, which makes any relationship insecure. “Lifestyle shifts with age: sleep, energy levels, hormonal shifts, and work responsibilities all play a role [in your relationship],” he told The Morning Show. “Kids, of course, might be the main source of contention. If you’re 28 and dating a 50-year-old, your expectations for childbearing and motherhood may be very different.”
The easiest approach to deal with this disparity is to keep your boundaries. “Like all relationships, you need to have separate lives as well as a unified life,” according to O’Reilly. “You are more likely to have a successful relationship if you let your partner to grow and explore independently, regardless of age. Fewer conflicts will emerge if you admit that you can’t meet all of your partner’s requirements – you can’t be their everything.
Johnson and O’Reilly both think that dating someone older or younger does not have to be a huge deal if you don’t want it to be. “How is it any different from dating outside of your culture or your race?” Johnson asks. In addition, O’Reilly states: “People make marriages work with big income gaps, political disparities, cultural differences, and even geographical separation — we can manage an age gap if we’re willing to put in the work.”
partnerships with big age gaps can flourish just as well as other types of partnerships if participants communicate openly and have clear expectations. And if your relationship is based on consent and mutual enjoyment, it doesn’t have to be any more difficult than that.