Get more stories like this in your inbox! Sign up for Smile, our free daily good news email read by over 825K people! “Let’s journey back to December of 2015, when all my daughter Ellie wanted for Christmas was a real merbaby. Pearl…her strange skin, creepy eyes, and flowing green hair. I feel like enough time has passed that I can now reveal to you the entire Pearl Saga!

I’m going to sketch it out for you December, 2015—Ellie dreams of having a mermaid baby. Not just a mermaid, and not just a baby. A mermaid baby. Being the adventurous gift-buyer I am, I searched and searched and finally found a hand-made mermaid baby doll on Etsy. In the pictures online, it appeared Pearl was wearing a veil of some sort.

But no, it was her creepy and weird skin. When Pearl arrives, I am thrilled! I show her to several teenage students who react to her face in sheer horror. I ignore this reaction, knowing Ellie will love Pearl..Christmas morning—Ellie wakes up and excitedly runs to the tree to find Pearl. Basically, she was like, ‘OMG, this doll is hideous.

What is wrong with you, Santa??’ (Ellie later notes Pearl was her first indication Santa was not real.) Here is the video so you can see the real-time reaction.This story originally appeared on Love What Matters. Post-Christmas—Ellie is so grossed out by Pearl she affectionately refers to her as ‘DisgustING.’ (We had just watched ‘Inside Out’).

I come to the desperate conclusion Pearl’s hideousness lies in her strange, green locks of hair. I go to CVS and purchase two different colors of hair dye and attempt to dye Pearl’s hair from green to a ‘strong blonde.’ My attempts fail miserably and Ellie looks at me with pity for a few days. ‘Pearl’s hair is even more hideous, Mom. Please, just stop.’ Ellie’s babysitters have begun staring at my multiple ‘L’Oreal and Clairol’ kits. Ellie refuses to hold Pearl. I am, of course, devastated by my failure and more determined than ever to remedy it.

The Doll Hospital—I locate a doll and teddy bear hospital in Secaucus, NJ. I call them immediately and discover it is run by a group of very strict and serious Germans. They take their doll and teddy bear hospital very seriously. They are interested in seeing Pearl’s ‘condition’ and then will give me an estimate for all of the cosmetic work which needs to be done to make her ‘lovable.’ (Poor Pearl.) I ask Ellie to bring Pearl on the airplane to Tennessee. Ellie refuses, pointing out Pearl’s many, many hideous traits.

Sending Off Pearl—I pack Pearl up in a box and address it the doll hospital. I tell Ellie that Pearl is going off to the hospital to have her face and hair ‘adjusted.’ Ellie wisely informs me, ‘Pearl has even greater problems than those.’ Then, she proceeds write on the box, ‘Please, please, help this doll. She has so many problems.’

Four Weeks Pass—I hear nothing from the Germans. Clearly, they want nothing to do with poor Pearl. I call a few times and ask about a price, offer to send money, etc. They keep forgetting who I am until I say, ‘My doll is Pearl, the…merbaby.’ Then the Germans say, ‘Oh, God. Yes, okay.’ I finally get a (very expensive) answer and immediately send them more money. The work begins.

The Phone Call—I was at MSM teaching on a crisp January morning when my phone rang out of the blue. I ignored it and then listened to the message between students. It was a detective from the Secaucus Police Department. He really needed to talk to me—’immediately.’ I called him back right away and he demanded I come down to the precinct at once. (I thought ‘precinct’ was just a word they use on ‘Castle’ and ‘Bones,’ but it turns out real detectives use it too.)

Anyway, I told the detective I couldn’t leave teaching (DUH) and asked what this was about. I informed Detective Sigmund I do not DO make-up lessons and would not be leaving my school. He didn’t seem to understand. The Big Reveal—The detective tells me the Germans called the police down to the doll hospital that morning. When they removed Pearl’s head to repaint her offensive skin, they found two ounces of C=OCAINE.

The detective initially suggests that the narcotics are mine. I vehemently maintain that I have never seen co-caine in my life. He agrees that stuffing co-caine into a doll’s head and then shipping it off to an expensive doll hospital would be weird. The detective then asked me what was going on with Pearl in what was arguably the oddest conversation I’d ever had. Did a strange relative inject chemicals into Pearl’s brain 30 years ago, and then I inherited Pearl?

I told Ellie what she wanted for Christmas, how I discovered Pearl on Etsy, and why I sent her to the Germans. ‘You spent money on this doll?’ questioned the detective. Have you ever heard of the character Ariel? She is a lovely mermaid. She’s available at any Disney store.’ ‘DETECTIVE, Ariel is a GROWN-UP mermaid,’ I added. Ellie wished for a BABY mermaid.

A false baby mermaid will not fool her!’ The investigator stated that being Ellie’s mother appeared difficult, and then went on to say that this is the craziest thing that has ever happened at the DEA in New Jersey. He hung up after getting all of my Etsy information and got to work. I called Andrew Kirjner into my studio and informed him that I was most likely going to jail.

I called my mother to inform her that the DEA might be coming to search the house for additional drugs. She laughs and laughs and laughs some more. The Final Chapter— After ‘running’ my WHOLE FAMILY through the’system,’ the detective informs me that neither my parents nor I have any drug convictions, and they do not believe the co-caine came from us.

The DEAs of New Jersey and Alabama are now collaborating to prepare a sting on the doll producer in Alabama. ‘I’m sorry to disappoint your daughter, but Pearl is unable to return home,’ he stated. Ever. She will be kept in evidence pending an international drug trial. Sorry.’

‘Honey, Pearl is going to stay at the doll hospital for longer than we expected,’ I said as I hung up the phone. It turns out she has…a lot of difficulties.’ ‘I told you, Mom,’ Ellie replied, nodding. ‘The doll is a MESS.’ The End. Everything we do for our children…we attempt to obtain the best Christmas present and end up buying a merbaby stuffed with co-caine and being involved in an international drug-smuggling operation.

I hope all of your holidays—Christmas and New Years—go as planned. And they’re mermaid and drug-free. And if co-caine unexpectedly appears beneath your tree, know that I understand and that you did your best.