Everyone has an opinion on whether or not it is a good idea to remain friends with an ex. When you’ve gone through a lot with someone and you still have feelings for them, it’s natural to want to retain them in your life in some form. However, for many people, remaining friends with an ex is easier said than done. According to experts, there’s a very solid reason why it’s so difficult.
According to Michael Kaye, dating expert and global communications manager at OkCupid, roughly 70% of OkCupid users believe it’s better to part ways following a split. Men are more likely to maintain friendships with ex-spouses, while just 15% of persons maintain friendships with most or all of their ex-spouses. So it is entirely feasible to maintain friendship with someone with whom you once had a romantic relationship.
“Becoming friends with your ex requires emotional maturity, clear communication, and excellent boundaries,” says Christine Scott-Hudson, a professional psychotherapist specializing in partnerships. “Changing the form of the relationship (partners to friends) does not mean we change the content (love, value, and respect).” There are numerous things that can influence whether or not you can establish a successful friendship. According to experts, these are the primary reasons why it is so difficult to maintain friendship with an ex.
1. Your attachment style may make it more difficult to let go.”We begin forming attachment to our parents the moment we’re born,” explains Dr. Anna Hiatt Nicholaides, Psy.D., a certified clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. “These same attachments occur with our significant others when we begin to be romantic.” These are known as “romantic attachments,” and they are just as strong and powerful as the ties you formed when you were younger.
According to Nicholaides, “this is why our connection to romantic partners feels so life-and-death.” When a relationship ends, this bond can cause you to yearn for the stability you once had. If your ex made you feel loved and desired, you may cling to those sensations and continue yearning for it even if you decide to remain friends. The greatest method to develop a friendship with an ex, according to Nicholaides, is to meet another partner to whom you feel attached.
“The reason this works is because you’ve transferred your romantic attachment to another person,” she explains. “This doesn’t mean you won’t experience residual feelings of possessiveness or jealousy, but they won’t be nearly as strong.” Seeing a therapist might also assist you in resolving any attachment-related concerns.
2. Your Injuries Are Still Fresh It’s sometimes simply too soon. According to a study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes at least three months to get over an ex. It may take even longer depending on the length of your relationship and how committed you are. Maintaining a friendship will be extremely difficult if you are still hurting from the split.
“Sometimes you need to take time to heal,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist who specializes in assisting people with relationship troubles. “Even if a relationship ends amicably and amicably, the turmoil that resulted in the breakup can linger for months, if not years.”
3. You’re secretly hoping to rekindle your relationship. It is never easy to end a relationship. While remaining friends may appear to be a wonderful method to keep your ex in your life, if you still have feelings for them, it will be difficult. “It’s going to be difficult to be friends with them without it being torture for you and possibly uncomfortable for them,” Hafeez adds. So, if you want to stay friends, you should consider what you intend to gain from it.
According to a 2011 study published in the journal Personal Relationships, your motive can decide whether or not you can have a successful friendship with your ex. People opt to stay friends for four main reasons: security, practical considerations, civility, and unresolved attraction. According to the study, people who still had “unresolved romantic desires” were less likely to feel secure and satisfied in a friendship with their former. They were more prone to be depressed, jealous, and heartbroken. People who stayed friends for civil or practical reasons, according to the study, were more likely to be successful in their friendships.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep someone special in your life. People who can stay friends, according to Hafeez, are those who are honest with themselves about why the relationship did not work out, have nothing but positive thoughts for their ex, and may have already moved on to someone else. It’s not for everyone to keep in touch with an ex. If you’re still in love and attached, you should consider whether friendship is actually a good option. It can sometimes be more bother than it’s worth.