I recall as a teenager, I despised being dragged to family occasions. I would have chosen to spend time with my pals or alone in my room with a book. I had days when I didn’t want to be social, but I had to go regardless. I despised being bombarded with queries from my parents about why I was in a “bad mood” or whether there was anything wrong.
There was typically nothing wrong, except that I was in a place I did not want to be. I loathed explaining why I didn’t feel social, as well as the anxiety that comes with missing out on anything great with your friends as a teenager.
I am not going to do it to my children. They have the freedom to use their free time as they see fit. I allow children to make their own decisions about attending family and other activities because I want them to learn how to use their time purposefully. I believe this implies teaching kids that it is acceptable to deny an invitation to do something they do not want to do. Feeling obligated is a way of pleasing others. I’ve also struggled with this, and it’s not what I want for kids.
I want my teenagers to understand that they don’t have to make up a huge complex tale or tell a white lie if they want to cancel plans or decline an invitation. When Easter arrived this past spring, two of my children and I went to my mother’s for ham dinner. My oldest son went four-wheeling with buddies — which was great with me.
I didn’t always give them this option. When they were smaller, I’d bring them along with me, which never went well for anyone. I’d be disheartened if they were quiet or antisocial in the presence of others, and they’d remind me that they were very clear about not wanting to leave.
I finally realized that forcing kids to attend events when they don’t want to and expecting them to transform into a different person and be happy as soon as we arrive isn’t fair.
My teenagers either work full-time or attend school and work part-time. They all drive and desire the same liberties that we all sought on the verge of leaving the nest. Forcing them to attend a family event or anything else they don’t feel like doing has never worked in my favor. Not to add that they understand I can’t physically force them to get in the car and go anyplace because they are all larger and stronger than me.
The odd thing is, now that I’ve given them this independence, there aren’t many events they don’t want to attend. They would never consider missing a funeral or wedding. They aspire to be a part of a community and family. They simply want autonomy.
They’re old enough to make decisions about where they wish to live. And I’ve found that respecting their choices is a lot easier than trying to persuade them to do something they don’t want to do.