Understanding what not to say to an angry person during an argument is essential for resolving problems, particularly with loved ones. Heated times may quickly develop, and using the wrong words, even unintentionally, can exacerbate the situation and harm relationships. Mindful conversation can help diffuse uncomfortable situations. Experts, including licensed clinical social worker Kimberly Perlin, advise against using language that belittles, rejects, or provokes rage.
1. “If you continue to act like this, there will be consequences.”Using ultimatums during an argument frequently backfires, escalating rather than defusing the situation. They can make the other person feel cornered, resulting in defensive reactions or surface-level cooperation without addressing the underlying issue. r. Anisha Patel-Dunn, Chief Medical Officer at LifeStance Health, emphasizes the need of prioritizing one’s well-being in such situations. Assume the debate is increasing and affecting you emotionally. In that instance, it’s best to take a break and return to the talk later, when both parties are more relaxed.
2. “You’re wrong.” Attempting to persuade an angry person that they are incorrect frequently worsens matters. It draws attention away from the genuine issue and puts them on the defensive, increasing the conflict. Lesley Koeppel, a licensed clinical social worker, adds, “This is a sure way to escalate any situation by putting the other person on defensive.” Pointing out their flaws causes a new disagreement, making it more difficult to resolve the initial issue.
3. “Just look on the bright side.” When someone is overcome with fury, their emotions frequently take over, leaving little opportunity for clear thinking. Suggestions to “think positively” may appear encouraging, but they are usually ineffectual and can come across as dismissive or callous. Psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa of the Hope for Depression Research Foundation states, “It is possible to think positively, but only after the person is able to regulate their emotions and physiological responses to anger.”
4. “I’m going to ignore you until you calm down.” The silent treatment, which is frequently adopted to avoid conflict or due to communication difficulties, may also be a manipulative approach. Patel-Dunn argues that withdrawing from conversation, even when responding to another person’s dissatisfaction or strong emotions, is a type of manipulation. Taking a break during an argument might help clear your thoughts, but the pause should be for reflection rather than control.
5. “What do you want me to do about it?”Using this term puts the blame onto the other person, making it appear as if they are exclusively responsible for controlling their rage. It implies that it is not your responsibility to fix, and that they should address it on their own. As Koeppel notes, “It also assumes that feelings must be fixed.” Sometimes angry feelings need to be expressed as calmly as possible.
6. “What’s wrong with you?” When people are furious, they often feel compelled to defend themselves. A remark like “What’s wrong with you?” is another example of what not to say to an angry person since it implies that their anger is abnormal or inappropriate, which can be painful regardless of whether it is accurate. Such comments are likely to elicit defensiveness, exacerbating the debate. As Lira de la Rosa points out, these words can be dismissive, making the person feel ashamed of their rage. Over time, this can result in emotional repression and the development of harmful coping strategies.
7. “You’re overreacting/being too sensitive.” You may believe that the other person’s reaction is overdone to some level. However, telling them they’re overreacting reduces their feelings and makes them feel unheard. Regardless of your perspective, their feelings are genuine. Patel-Dunn warns that such comments may elicit defensive responses and, in some cases, gaslighting.