Coping with jealousy is a typical difficulty, especially in love relationships where feelings of insecurity or comparison may arise. Jealousy is sometimes viewed as a small or bad emotion, making many individuals feel humiliated when they experience it. But, is it truly so bad? The American Psychological Association defines jealousy as a negative emotion. Psychologist Dr. Joli Hamilton discussed this with CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta on his podcast Chasing Life.

“But they don’t say that for anger or sadness — we just talk about them being an emotion, an emotion that’s informational,” according to her. She emphasized that jealousy is frequently viewed as wholly negative. However, specialists believe it has a function, operating as a protective instinct in specific instances. Hamilton, an author and relationship counselor, has spent years researching jealousy, discovering that infants as young as six months old can experience it.

Experts such as Sybil Hart believe that envy may play a protective role, helping to build ties that are necessary for survival. While envy can be overwhelming in maturity, Hamilton believes that recognizing and managing it can result in personal growth and greater relationships. Hamilton’s personal experience with envy inspired her to research the feeling in depth.

Instead of avoiding jealousy, she went to studies, believing that knowing it was the key to controlling it. Her findings indicate that jealousy has deep origins in human behavior, first strengthening the mother-child bond and then protecting partnerships. Rather than perceiving it as totally negative, she sees it as a tool for self-awareness, boundary-setting, and honest communication.

“Jealousy is far from being the unevolved emotion that people often think it is,” Hamilton said, suggesting that it evolved for a reason and should not be ignored.
1. Do not interpret jealousy as evidence of love. Hamilton emphasized how jealousy is frequently glorified in media, such as in Othello, with many people perceiving a little jealousy as a sign of affection. However, she cautioned that idealizing envy might result in toxic dynamics, particularly when implicit expectations cause uncertainty.

Instead, she emphasized the need of clear communication, which, while not first romantic, gradually fosters trust. She also stated that jealousy does not always stem from obvious actions, such as kissing, but might stem from subtler behaviors, such as liking social media posts. Hamilton encouraged people to talk about these issues openly rather than assuming their partner understands their boundaries.

2. Don’t allow envy rule your behavior. Hamilton advised against acting on jealousy-driven impulses, emphasizing that reacting in the heat of the moment could lead to irreversible consequences. She cited the song Before He Cheats, stating that vandalizing a partner’s property could harm a relationship and result in serious legal ramifications.

3. Remain cool and ponder things through. When jealousy arises, Hamilton suggests taking a step back rather than reacting rashly. She emphasizes recognizing the early signs, including physical sensations, instead of immediately assuming the worst. Rather of making snap decisions, she advocates a more deliberate approach by examining the situation with interest. Staying calm is essential, as not every moment of envy indicates a serious problem. Overreacting can lead to unnecessary stress and misunderstandings.

Her primary suggestion is to slow down. She explains that feelings of jealousy are often shaped by past experiences, especially those related to trust and relationships. By pausing and reflecting, people can separate their emotions from reality and respond more constructively.

4. Avoid jealousy games. Hamilton warned against intentionally provoking jealousy in a relationship, saying it often does more harm than good. Many people associate jealousy with love, a belief reinforced by movies and music, which can lead them to test their partner’s feelings in unhealthy ways. Instead of using jealousy as a measure of affection, she encouraged couples to find healthier ways to reconnect.

Breaking out of routine, planning a special date, or seeking guidance from a relationship expert can help strengthen intimacy. She explained that open communication and shared experiences are far more effective than playing mind games. She cautioned that deliberately stirring up jealousy can create a power struggle, leading to resentment and unintended consequences.

5. Don’t wallow in shame. Hamilton emphasized that coping with jealousy starts with recognizing it as a normal emotion rather than a character flaw. She discouraged feelings of shame or guilt, explaining that jealousy can provide valuable insight into personal needs and insecurities. Instead of ignoring or suppressing it, she encouraged acknowledging the emotion and understanding its root cause.

She also advised against judging others for their jealousy, urging people to view it as a struggle they are trying to navigate rather than a personal weakness. Here’s Dr. Joli Hamilton discussing the imperfect process of coming to terms with feelings of jealousy via TEDx Talks: