Divorce can be a completely painful and life-altering decision. It may, however, be the healthiest option for a couple who is no longer able to preserve their link. Although each divorce is unique, experts say there are certain common causes of divorce that have shown up repeatedly over the years. The issues that lead to divorce are more similar and less apparent than you might believe.
Each couple goes through a unique set of circumstances before deciding to dissolve their relationship, but the patterns that underpin these concerns tend to reach deep into the human psyche. “There are common threads mainly because human relationships, and what impacts them, are pretty consistent — despite individual differences,” says David Bennett, licensed counselor and relationship specialist, to Bustle.
While this may be difficult to comprehend, it is also a positive thing because some of these difficulties may be addressed early on in a relationship.Marriage, on the other hand, is a two-way street. Chasity Chandler, a professional sex therapist, licensed mental health counselor, and couples counselor, tells Bustle, “You have the power to create and cultivate the relationship that you desire.” “If it’s possible to make it work, do the work and make it work.”
[However,] when things are extremely toxic and irreversibly damaged, learn how to manage the divorce in a way that results in a healthier outcome for everyone involved.” If you and your partner are unable to resolve certain shared concerns, divorce is not a failure on your behalf. According to specialists, the top three reasons for divorce are as follows.1 Inability to Repair After Disputes. “Repair” is a significant buzzword in divorce studies.
After a fight, a couple who can “repair” actively attempts to make things better. According to renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, this is a key to a happy marriage. Inability to repair following disagreements, on the other hand, is a recurrent theme in divorce. “While couples may all be fighting about different things, their inability to repair after those arguments leaves them feeling distant and unheard,” Whitney Hawkins, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist and owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center, tells Bustle. If a couple cannot overcome this problem, they may not be able to last for many years.
2 Parting Ways. Growing apart is a fairly broad idea, but it can frequently be broken down to two partners who can no longer, or do not want to, invest in one another as the years pass. According to one large survey, “growing apart” was the most commonly stated cause of divorce among couples. “If a couple does not nurture their relationship, it will stagnate and the partners will grow apart,” says Bennett. “This demonstrates that in many cases, divorce is not the result of a single ‘last straw’ incident or bad behavior, but rather the relationship fizzles.” It may be impossible to predict when things will fizzle, but it is absolutely worth being aware of as a problem that many couples confront.
3 Emotional Overflow. Dr. John Gottman identified emotional flooding as a severe marital problem that can often lead to divorce in his research. “Emotional flooding frequently occurs when partners are disagreeing or discussing something particularly charged,” Hawkins explains. “Psychologist John Gottman describes emotional hijacking as our nervous system going into overdrive.” During your relationship with your companion, something happens that triggers your internal threat-detection system.”
This incredible physical response can be halted, but it can become a chronic issue in a relationship if every quarrel results in this type of emotional response. Many divorced couples may not have been able to overcome the emotional flooding that occurs during dispute. While no two divorced couples have the same tale, researchers have discovered that certain factors seem to contribute to the downfall of a partnership more than others. Communication problems, such as emotional inundation and the difficulty to mend after conflicts, as well as more intangible concerns, such as people simply growing apart, are common threads in many divorces.