This week, I sat in an auditorium with a few hundred other parents at my daughter’s high school to hear author and former freshman dean of Stanford University, Julie Lythcott-Haims, speak about an epidemic of “overparenting” and how it is influencing an entire generation of children. Lythcott-Haims, a college administrator, has firsthand experience with the problem and has written the book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Child for Success to document her experience and help parents re-prioritize and refocus.
This presentation was extremely informative, and I’m excited to share what I learned (it can really be boiled down to two main things which are mentioned at the end). But, before I get into the recap, a little backstory… As Dean of Freshmen at Stanford, Julie and her colleagues were astounded to see the academic caliber of each freshman class rise dramatically from one to the next. “Every batch of freshmen is more accomplished than the last,” she explained. “Somehow, their median GPA is a little higher, their SAT score is a little higher, they’ve done more APs than ever…they’ve got stories and novels and…
“However, she discovered that their academic success isn’t the only thing that sets them apart from previous generations. She explained that, in general, this generation appears to lack the executive function required to succeed on their own. Many students avoid eye contact, do not interact with teachers, and when they are lost or in need of assistance, they text their mother instead of advocating for themselves. Julie believes that this is directly related to another new development: parental behavior. Never before in Stanford history have so many freshman parents called in to discuss issues such as their student’s roommate situation, teacher complications,
opportunities for their student to conduct research at the college, and even their child’s grades. Remember, she’s not talking about third grade, eighth grade, or even senior year of high school. For crying out loud, this is COLLEGE and STANFORD UNIVERSITY. Could there be a link between these over-parenters and their children who appear to be struggling with basic life skills? Julie is confident․ THE ISSUE: The issue, according to Lythcott-Haims, is “helicopter parenting,” which is defined as a parent’s desire to “engineer” a specific outcome in their child. Julie compares it to the process of making a bonsai tree.
If you groom it properly (make it take specific classes, ace the appropriate tests, and master the most impressive pastimes), it will become exactly what colleges want to see. Most well-intentioned parents, I believe, are guilty of a little helicopter parenting now and then. I found myself running through my own habits, trying to determine whether I fall into this category, as I listened to her various examples and quite hysterical true stories that represent this parenting style. She mentioned some of her peers who won’t let their 12-year-old attend an age-appropriate movie with a group of friends (without an adult).
She mentioned the parent who completes their child’s school assignment even though it may not be worthy of an A on its own. She mentioned concierge parents who insist on making little Trevor’s life as comfortable as possible so that he can excel in the areas that really matter…the stuff that shows up on the transcript. However, something is consistently overlooked by these helicopter parents. It is not only the grades that are important. It’s not just the extracurricular activities. Studies have repeatedly shown that executive function stems from something else. We need to step back from the “checklist” approach to parenting and start thinking about “raising” our children in terms of the big picture.
THE IMPLICATIONS: This push for a superhuman adolescent is having serious consequences. Recent studies, according to Lythcott-Haims, show that college students are more depressed, anxious, and hopeless than ever before. She explained that mastery of basic problem-solving skills fosters self-awareness and confidence. Everyday life skills include keeping your room clean, making your own breakfast, remembering your own deadlines, and learning to self-advocate when things go wrong. When we take away our child’s ability to solve problems, we also take away his or her ability to grow.
We can help our children develop the confidence and compassion they need to be successful adults by allowing them to act for themselves (drawing boundaries and providing guidance and love along the way). This does not guarantee straight A’s for every child, but, HERE’S THE CLINCHER, straight A’s aren’t a guarantee of success. THE GREAT NEWS․ Numerous studies show that SUCCESS is not determined by the quality of your school, your grades, or even your IQ. Success is the culmination of emotional, problem-solving, and intellectual skills learned primarily during childhood. Another piece of good news…
It is not necessary to attend a “ranked” school in the United States to be successful or to obtain a great job. According to research, attending a smaller school may be more beneficial because there is a greater likelihood of mentorship between student and teacher. Being the “big fish” in a small pond is preferable to being overwhelmed in a “top school,” as Julie put it. “We must believe that they can get a great education at any number of universities,” she added. WHAT CAN WE DO
Julie gave the audience the ultimate takeaway at the end of the lecture. These are the two most important things that each of us can do for our children in order to help them become successful adults: 1 – Assign them chores. 2 – Instill in them the value of love. Really. It’s as simple as that. And, if you’re anything like me, your intuition has been telling you all along. But here’s some additional research to back it up:
The longitudinal “Harvard Grant Study” (one of the longest studies of humans ever conducted) discovered that having done chores as a child leads to success in life. The earlier the child begins, the better. When our children are too busy to do chores, we remove the most important factor for success. According to the Harvard Grant study, happiness in life equals LOVE. LOVE, not passion. Love for people and for the human experience If there is one thing we can do for our children, it is to instill in them compassion, work ethic, and the love that can be found at home.