People get divorced for a variety of reasons. More often than not, it is the small things that mount up and lead to the breakdown of the relationship. According to psychologists, most divorcing couples share a few silent relationship killers. According to Dr. John Gottman, couples are doomed to fail if they exhibit any of the following four characteristics: stonewalling, sarcasm, contempt, and criticism. He dubbed these “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Out of the four, Gottman identified disdain as the most powerful predictor of divorce. While licensed professional counselor E.J. Smith tells Bustle that the other three “horsemen” might be problematic, disdain is by far the most harmful. “When people start to look at their spouse with contempt or resentment, it colors the lens through which we see, observe, and interpret our spouse,” Smith said.
“Its presence weakens our motivation to continue working on our relationships. Even pleasant gestures and behaviors might be distorted so that they are seen negatively. Unlike big issues like adultery, these types of relationship ruiners are difficult to detect. It is critical to become aware of them before it is too late to take action. Experts have identified some silent relationship killers that almost invariably result in divorce.
1. Conflict Avoidance. Most individuals avoid disagreement because it makes them uncomfortable. According to Connie Omari Ph.D., clinician and owner of Tech Talk Therapy, “Avoiding conflict is a silent relationship killer because it prevents the opportunity for addressing conflict to take place.” When you don’t confront conflicts, you allow negativity to grow. The most essential thing here is to learn how to handle disagreements appropriately.
“Not learning these skills is a sure way to kill your relationship silently,” she goes on to warn.2. Invalidating emotions. This is difficult to avoid because it can occur unexpectedly. For example, if your partner claims they’re chilly but you’re not, it’s simple to remark, “It’s not that cold” without thinking about it. However, even casual remarks might pile up. As Omari points out, you may not intend to offend your spouse, but if he or she interprets it that way, it will cause problems.
“When a person feels invalidated, they often feel disconnected and unheard,” she said. “These two characteristics combined will work to deteriorate a relationship quickly.”3. Unresolved Trauma. Everyone comes into a relationship with baggage. However, avoiding addressing baggage or prior trauma might have an unintended negative impact on your relationship.
“When a person suffers from trauma that remains unresolved, they’re often incapable of living their lives without responding to some form of triggers related to that trauma,” Omari said. on example, if you’ve been cheated on before, your partner’s departure on a business trip may make you feel apprehensive, anxious, and uneasy. So, rather than letting your spouse do their own thing, you’ll feel compelled to check in on them and maintain regular communication. Dealing with prior trauma is not always easy to do alone. Therapy can be beneficial in this situation.